Marriage

Where I grew up, girls were expected to grow up to be pretty women to find a man to marry and take care of them and then have his children. If you went to college, it was to get a richer, smarter man to marry and take care of you and then have his children.

The more I thought about this, the angrier I became at this. I had only seen dysfunctional marriages, and I DID NOT want that to be my fate. I did not want to be a wife. Wife became one of the dirtiest words I knew. Wife meant subservient, psychotic, dysfunctional, hypersensitive, co-dependent, under achieving woman who didn't know her worth and let patriarchy and her husband think for her. Marriage, then, was an institution that saw women as weak and irrational, saw men as uncompromising and insensitive, and promoted unhealthy relationships between them.

No, thank you.

I did not want to be a wife. I did not want a husband. I did not want to be married.

And such was the case for a very long time.

So, what happened?

The first thing that happened was that when I was 16, I made a commitment to myself. I "married" myself. I promised to take care of and cherish me for the rest of my life, because I realized that NO ONE ELSE was responsible for my happiness and well-being. Only me. I couldn't and didn't want to wait for my "Prince Charming", my "husband" to come and make my life alright. I realized that I was the only one I could depend on to know and work towards my best interests, so I gave myself a gold band, which has never been off my person in the last 11 years. For my ten year anniversary, I gave myself a diamond ring.

Then, over the years and relationships, I became better at being a partner to myself and to my boyfriends. I began to see and seek out examples of other healthy relationship models. I practiced being the kind of partner I wanted. I increased my awareness of my feelings. I changed my reactions from bottled-up outbursts to verbal acknowledgments of what was going on with me and in the relationship. This was followed by discussions (not arguments) to understand the dynamics and figure out how we could work better as a couple, so that both of our personalities were respected and our needs met. This involves collaboration, cooperation and compromise. It also involves great love and respect for oneself and the other person. One of the biggest things I've had to work on was believing that my feelings are valid and worth voicing.

More recently, in the last several years, I've realized and accepted that I would like to raise a family. And that I would like a committed partner to join me in that adventure. And that the adventure would be more fun and easier with the support and help of a community of loving friends and family. And that the community would be more committed to helping if we publicly acknowledged our commitment to each other and to them.

So, now. Mark and I are getting hitched. Mark and I are making a commitment to each other for our lifetimes. One could also say that we're engaged to be married. I (and he) still have challenges with that specific set of words, because they are so loaded with negative associations for us in this culture (see the first paragraph). For the sake of convenience, we're using those words occasionally anyway, but not before we've fully picked them apart and are aware of the potential, stereotypical pitfalls they bring.

As for the other cultural traditions that are associated with marriages, such as engagements and weddings, we're picking those apart too. We're examining them for the parts that we feel good about and are changing the rest to something we believe in. This may make some people uncomfortable, but, when it comes down to it, this is how Mark and I are starting the rest of our lives together, and we need it to be true to us.

So, in summary, the fact that I'm even ok saying "I'm getting married" is HUGE!!!! It is a REALLY BIG DEAL. One reason I can even go here is because it's on our terms, not society's, not my family's, but Mark's and mine. Mark and I are the ones figuring this out and we're excited.

If you've ever wondered about what goes on at Burning Man, the best way to find out is to go. The second best way is to look at pictures. This is a great “comic book” style photo essay of Burning Man ’05, by professional movie/web masters. They captured most everything in good category divisions. This is more art than I ever saw.

Just click on bottom right side of page and it turns to next… http://www.lennyjones.net/burn2005/comicbook2005.htm

A warning - it's a really long comic book.

(FYI - I'm cleaning out my email box, hence the random posts about cool stuff.)

Julian Beever

is an amazing artist who does trippy sidewalk art with chalk! Check out his website.

Mark

Mark is one of the most amazing persons I have ever known. I'm very happy and lucky that we've agreed to spend the rest of our lives together. In June of 2004, I wrote a Thesis on what I wanted. I looked back at that just now and noticed that Mark meets and exceeds all that I stated that I wanted.

Wow.

We had to work to get here. And that gives me confidence that we have the tools needed to navigate life's challenges together.

I'm excited.

Dirty Laundry

There's a lot of heavy shit going on. There's a lot of hurt feelings, anger and fear. Family stuff is tough. Every family has laundry. Sometimes it's clean, sometimes the mud is flying. Right now, we could use a lot of stain remover.

Considering that everyone deals with stuff at one point of time or another, it's nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion. It's a time to ask for help, love, forgiveness. These are the times that make us grow, that build character and that make us better, stronger, more loving people.

In the end, it's not about being right. It's about loving and being loved. It's about listening and forgiving, not just each other but ourselves as well. We're here to build bridges and strengthen connections. Being self-rightous, indignant, stubborn and unforgiving, just leaves us miserable and alone. Everybody's right and everybody's wrong OR nobody's right and nobody's wrong. It really doesn't matter. We all make mistakes. What matter's is how we deal with ours (and others) mistakes. Are we honest? Do we make changes so that we don't make the same mistakes again? Do we learn? Do we forgive? Do we love? After all, we're all just doing the best we know how. But today may demand better than yesterday's best. We have to ask if we're up to the challenge.

We need to ask ourselves what is most important in our lives. And build our lives and actions around that. For me, it is most important to love and to be loved. To surround my self with caring people who listen, talk, learn, share, laugh, cry, forgive and grow. To be around those people, I have to be one of them. Sometimes it's hard to remember to do, but I try. I depend on my friends to help me question my actions and be the best person I can be. And then, to celebrate the process with me.

I learned this from some amazing people, especially my father. He's had to remind me to be better than I was being many times in my life. He's helped remind me of what's really important. He's helped me remember that things always work out for the best and sometimes we just need to let go of our fears, our need to be right and our need to know. He's helped me remember to trust - not just my self, but the goodness of others and the universe.

I know that we'll get the stains out. I hope that it will be sooner rather than later. Life is too short to let one moment of shared happiness go by. Change is hard. But it's worth it, because at the close of this cycle, the happiness we experience will be greater than we've known. At least that's what's happened before in my experience...

And the winner is...

I accepted a job with Save the Redwoods League! I'm very excited about this. I start next Wednesday. It will be a unique position with a combination of organization, planning, details, scheduling and diplomacy and facilitation. I will be the Executive Director's Executive Assistant. Here's the job description. My goal will be to help her make the highest use of her time and generally increase the productivity of the organization. The people that I've met are awesome. And the pay is generous.

I have a job!

Wierd.

=)

Survey

And the survey question is...

Does the man need to ask the father for the woman's hand in marriage?

You can probably conjecture where Mark and I stand on this, but my Dad told me to ask.

You can also probably conjecture that Mark has already asked "for my hand (and arm and head and legs...well you get the idea) in marriage," and, of course, I said yes.

Cat in a Bag!

One of Orson's favorite games is attacking the bottom of the bag - from the inside. Here he's just chillin. The pic's a little out of focus, but it shows how marvelously blue his eyes are!


Smaller bags don't work as well!

Velma's Adventures: Summary

To sum up...

May 2005 - leave Committee for Green Foothills, move in with Mark in San Francisco, go to Missouri for two months, from MO go to Georgia for one week with Jess and her Grandma to see Jolene.

June 2005 - Prep for Ozark Handspun's first TNNA trade show in Ohio. Celebrate birthday at the tradeshow. Ozark Handspun doubles in customers to 35 shops. Help out with yarn order fulfillment. Mark's first visit to Missouri. Spend much good time with Sarah. Visit (a different) Sarah and family in Memphis.

July 2005 - Back to SF. Mild culture shock. Tree withdrawal. Settle in at Mark's.

August 2005 - Go to Burning Man with Mark and Scott.

September 2005 - Drive on my own (from Burning Man) to Park City, UT to stay with Carley's parents and decompress. Visit Andi, Jake, Josie and Rambler in Rock Springs, WY. Camp several days in the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone.

October 2005 - Scott's going away party. Quiet month in SF. Leave for Pacific Northwest.

November 2005 - Spend one week in Portland. Be a global freeloader in Washington and Vancouver, CA. Visit friends in Seattle. Meet Mark in Portland. Drive down the coast.

December 2005 - Make five quilts. Throw martini party with Nanette in Mountain View. We get a cat. Go to Missouri for one month. Mark's second visit to MO. Spend a lot of time with the grandparents.

January 2006 - Back to SF. Help Ozark Handspun with second TNNA show in San Diego. Ozark Handspun doubles in customers to 110 shops. Drive up the coast with Dad and Terri.

February 2006 - Begin looking for employment.


Of course, that's just what I've done. It doesn't really address everything I've felt and learned.

Major thoughts:
Missouri's ok. I could live there, either in St. Louis or Columbia.
A nonverbal agreement to disagree is better than a verbal disagreement to disagree.
I love Portland!
I can drive long distances on my own, but I prefer not to go longer than 6 hours.
On long trips, the ipod is indispensible.
I get better cell reception everywhere else, compared to where we live.
I like traveling alone, but traveling with Mark is more fun.
I like San Francisco, and I'm adjusting to the Mission.
Mark and I live together well.

DIRT!!!

I have my own rectangle of dirt! It's in the community garden in the kid's park across the alley from our building. It's small. And full. I went to the garden center last week, and bought some bulbs and veggie seeds. I planted four gladiolas, one dahlia, five lilies, 16 snowpeas, and too many bok choy, chard and carrot seeds. We'll see how my garden grows!

Squeak the Crime Fighting Cat aka Orson Buentzsch

This is Orson. He's cute. Here he's helping me sew.



When we had a party last weekend, we had to shut him in the upstairs bathroom. He discovered that he fits perfectly in the sink. We now regularly find him there.


He's fascinated by the sewing machine, mostly because I've spent so much time with it the last few days.

My Job Search

What I have to offer

Skills
Planning logistics systematically
Managing diverse groups of people energetically
Coordinating plans and people enthusiastically
Facilitating challenging situations diplomatically
Prioritizing workload and interests judiciously
Setting-up events and programs thoughtfully
Trouble-shooting calmly and rationally
Resolving challenges proactively
Organizing details methodically
Synthesizing data and information understandably
Budgetingaccurately
Learning quickly and with ease
Evaluating thoroughly
Adapting thoughtfully
Implementing logistics fastidiously
Working hard and efficiently
Coaching staff and volunteers positively
Herding cats lovingly

Traits
Self-motivated
Takes initiative
Diplomatic
Dedicated
Dependable
Energetic
Patient
Flexible
Positive
Punctual
Efficient

(Am I missing anything?)

What I'm looking for

I'm looking for a job in San Francisco that utilizes my skills for a socially responsible organization, while allowing me time and energy to enjoy my creative and personal life. It is important to me that the work environment be positive and that the work be with people who care about making a positive change in the world.

The job would include managing/coordinating people, information and/or events. Job titles include, but are not limited to: Program Manager, Program Associate, Executive Assistant, Office Manager or Development Associate.

Socially responsible organizations include, but are not limited to: socially responsible businesses, foundations and public benefit organizations.

My areas of interest are: environment, education, women's empowerment and progressive philanthropy.

You can view my resume at www.gentzsch.net.

Any leads or groups I should talk to?

Settling Down

I've been back in San Francisco 9 days. I have no more travel plans. I'm settling down. I have a plot of dirt to work in the park across the alley. I've started looking at jobs.