It's Hailing

The Harvest Is Subject to the Weather
by Cheryl Arends
from Leaning into the Wind, a compilation of women writing from the west

I scratch the back of the earth
through thick inches of dust,
nesting each plant upon its bosom
as you once did me, hoping to somehow
make it all right, to pacify you,
Mother, for my not being perfect,
for me not turning out all right.

Year after year my hoe ruffles through
the loose garden dirt, against each weed
that tugs to live despite my onslaught for order.
I leave its roots to wither in sunlight
the way I fear you will leave me.

I mound the earth around tender stems
of cabbage, heap the mulch,
cover every inchof the corn patch
with hoe, fertilizer, water from my brow
to guarentee growth, failure only in hailstones
always a hailstone failure possible,
the sudden fierce uncontrollable storm
of revelations rolling in on green clouds
of guilt and fear, truth spilling in the downpour.

Even though I know not to disturb the plants,
that maybe some will recover,
will come back if I
resist trying to heal them, resist saying
too much, the results out of my hands
at last.

I sift through the soil for myself,
look beneath the fragil crust
to darker damp soil, let in air, drought,
look for growth, acceptance of myself
by me, by your, Mother,
each row straight, weed free, clean
as I'd like my conscience to be.

Ozark Goes Across the Pond!

Today was the first day of the trade show. Can I just say how proud I am of Dad, Terri and Sarah? Dad for being the crazy man who has created some of the most beautiful and unique yarns there are. Terri for counting the beans and keeping them in a line. He couldn't do it without her. He's definitely NOT a bean counter! =) Sarah for designing Gorgeous things with our yarn and now spinning some of those yarns!

We had a good day, with something like 20 new shops. And one of them is in LONDON!

It's time now for the hot tub...

Home and Away Again

Tomorrow, Dad, Terri and I head to San Diego for the National Needlearts Association trade show to show our wares. We don't really know what to expect. It should be a good time, though. None of us have been to San Diego and we'll be driving up the coast on the way back. Yay!

And then, when we get back, I'll be done with all scheduled travel and it will be time to begin figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. Again.

The Dark Side

...of family ties is often, at least in my family, enabling - allowing, or even supporting, unhealthy, destructive behavior or abuse to continue.

This is tough and there's lots of gray.

Sometimes saying, "this behavior is unacceptable and I cannot help or engage with you anymore," is the best help that can be given. We learn by our mistakes. If someone keeps fixing our mess-ups or saying that it's ok, then it must really be ok and we can keep messing up.

Well, it's not ok. Even though, as the enabler, I understand their actions and their reasoning. Even though I love them and want to do everything I can to make sure they're safe and happy. Their actions still hurt them and their actions still hurt me. I hope that it's a phase or that they'll learn. But when the same destruction actions have been repeated for years, they're not learning and it's not a phase. They're not learning, at least in part, because by allowing their behavior, we're preventing them from learning, from having to deal with their own issues.

I've had to deal with this several times over. I first had to acknowledge my role in their behavior and feel the toll on my psyche. I had to realize that by engaging in their destructive behavior, I'm devaluing my self. Then I had to say, "No, that's enough. I love you and now you need to take care of yourself, take responsibilities for your own actions. I need to take care of me and for now that means not engaging with you because your actions affect me negatively." This hurts. In fact, it's excruciating. It's means seeing them fall flat on their face. It means admitting that I can't make everything ok. It means not having their company.

Eventually, though, it works out. I learn how to be around them with out enabling them. And they learn from their mistakes. The relationship that results, after the trust is restored, is amazing.

This morning, there was another instance of abusive, destructive behavior. I was stood up by my mother. I see that it's time to tell her, again, that some of her actions are unacceptable.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...

Family Ties

...are more powerful that we'd like to admit, acknowledge or deal with.

I'm grateful for them though, because they give me access to a much wider range of people than are in my social circles. People in my social circles are all generally like me. People in my family are not. They're conservative, farmers, hunters, religious, recovering addicts and alcoholics, on parole, enjoy sports and country music, drive trucks, have had many kids in multiple marriages by the age of 30, live in trailers, shacks, old houses and new houses.

Through all of the external circumstances, I see that they're good people - hardworking and (generally) honest. They're doing their best with the tools that they have. And, most of the time, eventually it turns out ok. I'm learning that my way isn't necessarily better, it's just my way. And if it is better, it's not for me to say so, it's just for me to do.

I'm learning humility and equanimity, which are easy to say and think about, but that don't mean anything until lived. I'm learning that there is a story behind nearly everything, a path that has led them to where they are, and a reason they made the decisions they did. And because they're family - because we share common genetics, ancestors and a sense of place - they'll tell me their stories, if I simply ask what happened. Because they're family and because we're different, I have an amazing opportunity to grow beyond my comfortable social zone and remember to love beyond circumstances.

Walk the Line

Dad and I may not have gotten to see Rent, but we caught Walk the Line at the dollar theatre. I'm listening to more Johnny Cash now, because I didn't get quite enough during the movie. Yes, the movie was filled with song. But it's so good, more is necessary. In the movie, it was Joaquin that sang, not Johnny. And it was still really good! Delicious, even.

The Cookie Recipe

from Recipes for a Small Planet
discovered during my no processed sugar experiment

Kitchen Sink Cookies
A little bit of everything makes these so good!

* 1 cup whole wheat flour
* 1/4 cup soy flour (makes the dough taste icky, but adds greatly to the nutritional value of the cookies)
* 1 1/3 cups rolled oats (or mixed rolled grains, which is what I use. quick or not doesn't matter)
3/4 cup unsweetened flaked coconut
* 1/4 cup milk powder (or 1/3 instant)
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp powdered ginger (pumpkin pie spice works really well for the cinnamon and ginger)
2/3 cup raisins (I hate raisins in cookies, so I always substitute chocolate. But to each their own.)
2/3 cup chocolate chips (if substituting chocolate for the raisins, only put in one cup of chips total, or they fall out of the cookie batter and burn on the pan.)
*1/4 cup peanuts, chopped
*1/3 cup sunflower seeds
1/4 cup oil (canola works well or you can melt butter)
1/4 cup molasses (if you don't have this around you can just add a little more honey)
1/4 cup honey (darker honey is better for cooking)
*2 eggs, beaten

1. Stir together all of the dry ingredients
2. Beat the eggs in a small bowl; measure the oil then the honey and molasses in the same measuring cup. (the oil makes the honey Slide out). Beat all the liquid ingredients together thoroughly.
3. Pour the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients and combine until the dry ingredients are moistened. If the mixture seems too dry add some milk or water until the dough is of drop cookie consistency. (It's a pretty dry dough. and mixes most easily by hand.)
4. Drop the cookies on to an unoiled cookie sheet. Bake at 350*F for 10-12 minutes. (two spoons work well for dropping the cookies. but mostly I use wet hands.)

The recipe says this makes 4 dozen cookies, but I've never gotten that many, unless I double or triple the recipe, which works well.

* These ingredients combine to make a high protein/energy cookie.

Red River

I just willingly watched most of a western. Grandpa's near gotten me hooked. Red River was on earlier today and I only saw the beginning because I came back to town. This evening it was on again and the most appealing thing on the TV. It probably helped that the young cowboy was cute and that John Wayne is John Wayne. The only thing that could have made it better was a stronger female presence, but I guess most of us were late to the frontier.

Happy New Year!

All the festivities are done, and I just made my favorite (healthy) cookies. Both of these things make me happy.

The last week:
- Christmas Eve with the Gentzsch clan, totaling 25. It was a good night, pretty mellow and easy.
- Christmas Day dinner with friends of the family, totaling 13. Good food, easy again.
- Day after Christmas dinner with the immediate step-family and spouses, totaling 11. Stressful, nearing disaster proportions. I was not pleasant.
- New Year's Eve dinner with Dad, Terri, friends of their's and friends of mine. Awesome! So much laughter.
- New Year's Eve party with people from high school. Good.
- New Year's Day gathering with Terri's family, totaling somewhere around 50... with at least 15 under the age of 8. This was good. It was large enough that I could find one or two people to talk to at any one time.

It's been nice to see family and friends, but I remember why I don't usually come home for Christmas - it's exhausting!