The Dark Side
...of family ties is often, at least in my family, enabling - allowing, or even supporting, unhealthy, destructive behavior or abuse to continue.
This is tough and there's lots of gray.
Sometimes saying, "this behavior is unacceptable and I cannot help or engage with you anymore," is the best help that can be given. We learn by our mistakes. If someone keeps fixing our mess-ups or saying that it's ok, then it must really be ok and we can keep messing up.
Well, it's not ok. Even though, as the enabler, I understand their actions and their reasoning. Even though I love them and want to do everything I can to make sure they're safe and happy. Their actions still hurt them and their actions still hurt me. I hope that it's a phase or that they'll learn. But when the same destruction actions have been repeated for years, they're not learning and it's not a phase. They're not learning, at least in part, because by allowing their behavior, we're preventing them from learning, from having to deal with their own issues.
I've had to deal with this several times over. I first had to acknowledge my role in their behavior and feel the toll on my psyche. I had to realize that by engaging in their destructive behavior, I'm devaluing my self. Then I had to say, "No, that's enough. I love you and now you need to take care of yourself, take responsibilities for your own actions. I need to take care of me and for now that means not engaging with you because your actions affect me negatively." This hurts. In fact, it's excruciating. It's means seeing them fall flat on their face. It means admitting that I can't make everything ok. It means not having their company.
Eventually, though, it works out. I learn how to be around them with out enabling them. And they learn from their mistakes. The relationship that results, after the trust is restored, is amazing.
This morning, there was another instance of abusive, destructive behavior. I was stood up by my mother. I see that it's time to tell her, again, that some of her actions are unacceptable.
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...
This is tough and there's lots of gray.
Sometimes saying, "this behavior is unacceptable and I cannot help or engage with you anymore," is the best help that can be given. We learn by our mistakes. If someone keeps fixing our mess-ups or saying that it's ok, then it must really be ok and we can keep messing up.
Well, it's not ok. Even though, as the enabler, I understand their actions and their reasoning. Even though I love them and want to do everything I can to make sure they're safe and happy. Their actions still hurt them and their actions still hurt me. I hope that it's a phase or that they'll learn. But when the same destruction actions have been repeated for years, they're not learning and it's not a phase. They're not learning, at least in part, because by allowing their behavior, we're preventing them from learning, from having to deal with their own issues.
I've had to deal with this several times over. I first had to acknowledge my role in their behavior and feel the toll on my psyche. I had to realize that by engaging in their destructive behavior, I'm devaluing my self. Then I had to say, "No, that's enough. I love you and now you need to take care of yourself, take responsibilities for your own actions. I need to take care of me and for now that means not engaging with you because your actions affect me negatively." This hurts. In fact, it's excruciating. It's means seeing them fall flat on their face. It means admitting that I can't make everything ok. It means not having their company.
Eventually, though, it works out. I learn how to be around them with out enabling them. And they learn from their mistakes. The relationship that results, after the trust is restored, is amazing.
This morning, there was another instance of abusive, destructive behavior. I was stood up by my mother. I see that it's time to tell her, again, that some of her actions are unacceptable.
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...
2 Comments:
You can. You can. YOU CAN. "You CAN," shouts the crazy woman on the sidelines with her face painted in Velma's team colors.
YOU CAN.
You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You CAN and you have many people behind you for support.
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