Saturday ~ July 18, 2004

So, last Saturday was one of the best nights ever.

Shannon and I decided to skip the party in the city and play dress up. After  we tried on several dresses each, we decided to wear dresses that hadn't been out to play for 50 years. Shannon wore a cream dress with big roses in muted colors that were set off by her auburn hair. Mine had a white bodice with a flower and tomato print skirt. Both bodices were fitted (read barely enough room to breathe) with big poofy skirts that loved to swish and spin. Under the skirts were several layers of crinolin - very important. She's wearing sexy black strappy sandles. I'm wearing my little red dance shoes and a red scarf.

We head to Menlo Park.

Our first stop is Left Bank. Here we enjoyed a delectable Valrohna chocolate cake with espresso ice cream and drops of raspberry sauce - as well as the attentions of a cute French waiter. Then we decided that the British Banker's Club is perhaps ready for us. The BBC is perhaps one of the stodgiest looking bars around. It is actually set in an old bank, with big stained glass windows, oversized red leather chairs and a long dark wood bar. But Saturday night, the BBC had swirling lights and a live band playing - a grunge music 90s cover band - composed of cute young men in button down white shirts, loosened ties and spikey hair.  (Just setting the scene.)

This is where is gets great - because it was already damn good.

Shannon and I are giddy with how wonderful it is to be girls. We feel every bit of the beautiful free-spirited playful women we are. AND we're wearing fabulous dresses.

So - we dance. for three hours. to Nirvana, Cake, Weezer. Bopping, jumping, stomping, spinning, twirling, swooshing. In our grandmother's dresses that thought they only know how to jitterbug and fox trot.

And we have a fan club. After the first set and we're walking off the dance floor, an older couple, probably in their late 50s/early 60s, come up to us. They've been watching and had already complimented Shannon on how elegant she looked, like Audrey Hepburn. The man then says, You're so much woman you scare all of the guys in this place. The women smiles and nods. We're grinning because this is the best compliment either of us have ever received - so much woman! Wow.  Realizing our feminine spirit happen to be one of our favorite topics of conversation. This is a huge affirmation.

And the older couple is right. We hadn't been approached by any slimey men all night. It was great! Any one who did talk to us was respectful and normal. The dresses seem to announce (loudly) the we didn't really give a damn what anyone thought. that we were supremely happy already and having fun with or without any male attention.

The best part of the whole night though was the other women. So many of them came up to us and said how much they loved our dresses and that they wished they could dance like us.  The more we danced, the mor other women danced and had fun. Our boldness seemed to give them the courage and space to step away from the wall.  As they left, they gave us hugs good night. We didn't ever know each other names; we were all Sophias.

thesis

What do I want?
 
More important than who I want to be with is who I want to be. The same characteristics of the person I want to be with apply to who I want to be, but I think this is a more positive way to state it. I want to be honest, communicative, healthy, balanced, creative, spirited, grounded, patient, positive, playful, adventurous, a friend, a lover, a partner, a goddess, a part of a community and family, making a positive contribution to the world (this is an occasionally overwhelming one - because there are so many things I would like to see changed and I am only one person - it is important for me to remember that all I can do is the best I can do and then hope that others will be inspired and stretch a little farther than they have because they see that it is possible). I want to laugh, smile,  live simply, share, grow, stretch, change, enjoy life. (I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things.) I want to embrace my spirit, empowering myself and others along the way.
 
I want to take care of my self (this is a huge part of being healthy). I married myself when I was 16 because I noticed that I had a tendency to put caring for others before caring for myself. I needed to learn to nurture my own Self first, to learn to listen, own and honor my own needs, thoughts, feelings, body and spirit. (This may sound a little selfish, but when I take care of myself I have more to give to others, so everyone wins.)  Plus, no one else can know what it is that I want and get that for me - that is solely my responsibility. Likewise, it is the sole responsibility of anyone else to know what it is that they want and take steps to get it. I cannot make anyone else happy, no one else can make me happy. Two people can be happy together, but that is easier when they are happy on their own first. So, I want to be with someone who is happy on their own. (nice transition, no?)  I want to be with someone who helps me be a better person, that supports me in being more of the things I want to be and whom I inspire to do and be braver than they were before.
 
Another important question is "What don't I want?" I don't want to let myself be taken for granted again - because that is one of the worst feelings. I don't want to be with someone who quits communicating. I don't want to be with or have someone be with me out of obligation, because they said "forever" or "til death do us part." I feel that ignores the fact that people do change and outgrow each other. This doesn't mean that people can't be together happily for a lifetime, but I want it to be a conscious choice to be together and not an obligation, a burden. Likewise, not being together/ending the relationship is not something I take lightly, it is a last resort. If done too early it is an "easier way out" because it precludes looking at our personal challenges and bypassing opportunities for growth (sometimes we're not ready for the change, and that's ok.)  There's probably a positive way to state all of this but I haven't gotten there yet. 
 
I want to be with someone who is willing to commit to figuring out with me the next right thing to do and think about a few more right things to do in the future. It's not necessary to have all the answers (very hard for me to not have all the answers). It's not necessary to know that we can be together "forever," but wanting to work towards that is important... and risky.  Life involves taking risk (i'm fairly risk averse.) But without risk, there is no growth, there is no change, and if I'm not becoming a better person, there's not much point. (Resting and reflecting to process change is important, necessary to learning.) A relationship is a great risk, but that is also where I have learned the most so far.
 
Whew.