Marriage
Where I grew up, girls were expected to grow up to be pretty women to find a man to marry and take care of them and then have his children. If you went to college, it was to get a richer, smarter man to marry and take care of you and then have his children.
The more I thought about this, the angrier I became at this. I had only seen dysfunctional marriages, and I DID NOT want that to be my fate. I did not want to be a wife. Wife became one of the dirtiest words I knew. Wife meant subservient, psychotic, dysfunctional, hypersensitive, co-dependent, under achieving woman who didn't know her worth and let patriarchy and her husband think for her. Marriage, then, was an institution that saw women as weak and irrational, saw men as uncompromising and insensitive, and promoted unhealthy relationships between them.
No, thank you.
I did not want to be a wife. I did not want a husband. I did not want to be married.
And such was the case for a very long time.
So, what happened?
The first thing that happened was that when I was 16, I made a commitment to myself. I "married" myself. I promised to take care of and cherish me for the rest of my life, because I realized that NO ONE ELSE was responsible for my happiness and well-being. Only me. I couldn't and didn't want to wait for my "Prince Charming", my "husband" to come and make my life alright. I realized that I was the only one I could depend on to know and work towards my best interests, so I gave myself a gold band, which has never been off my person in the last 11 years. For my ten year anniversary, I gave myself a diamond ring.
Then, over the years and relationships, I became better at being a partner to myself and to my boyfriends. I began to see and seek out examples of other healthy relationship models. I practiced being the kind of partner I wanted. I increased my awareness of my feelings. I changed my reactions from bottled-up outbursts to verbal acknowledgments of what was going on with me and in the relationship. This was followed by discussions (not arguments) to understand the dynamics and figure out how we could work better as a couple, so that both of our personalities were respected and our needs met. This involves collaboration, cooperation and compromise. It also involves great love and respect for oneself and the other person. One of the biggest things I've had to work on was believing that my feelings are valid and worth voicing.
More recently, in the last several years, I've realized and accepted that I would like to raise a family. And that I would like a committed partner to join me in that adventure. And that the adventure would be more fun and easier with the support and help of a community of loving friends and family. And that the community would be more committed to helping if we publicly acknowledged our commitment to each other and to them.
So, now. Mark and I are getting hitched. Mark and I are making a commitment to each other for our lifetimes. One could also say that we're engaged to be married. I (and he) still have challenges with that specific set of words, because they are so loaded with negative associations for us in this culture (see the first paragraph). For the sake of convenience, we're using those words occasionally anyway, but not before we've fully picked them apart and are aware of the potential, stereotypical pitfalls they bring.
As for the other cultural traditions that are associated with marriages, such as engagements and weddings, we're picking those apart too. We're examining them for the parts that we feel good about and are changing the rest to something we believe in. This may make some people uncomfortable, but, when it comes down to it, this is how Mark and I are starting the rest of our lives together, and we need it to be true to us.
So, in summary, the fact that I'm even ok saying "I'm getting married" is HUGE!!!! It is a REALLY BIG DEAL. One reason I can even go here is because it's on our terms, not society's, not my family's, but Mark's and mine. Mark and I are the ones figuring this out and we're excited.
The more I thought about this, the angrier I became at this. I had only seen dysfunctional marriages, and I DID NOT want that to be my fate. I did not want to be a wife. Wife became one of the dirtiest words I knew. Wife meant subservient, psychotic, dysfunctional, hypersensitive, co-dependent, under achieving woman who didn't know her worth and let patriarchy and her husband think for her. Marriage, then, was an institution that saw women as weak and irrational, saw men as uncompromising and insensitive, and promoted unhealthy relationships between them.
No, thank you.
I did not want to be a wife. I did not want a husband. I did not want to be married.
And such was the case for a very long time.
So, what happened?
The first thing that happened was that when I was 16, I made a commitment to myself. I "married" myself. I promised to take care of and cherish me for the rest of my life, because I realized that NO ONE ELSE was responsible for my happiness and well-being. Only me. I couldn't and didn't want to wait for my "Prince Charming", my "husband" to come and make my life alright. I realized that I was the only one I could depend on to know and work towards my best interests, so I gave myself a gold band, which has never been off my person in the last 11 years. For my ten year anniversary, I gave myself a diamond ring.
Then, over the years and relationships, I became better at being a partner to myself and to my boyfriends. I began to see and seek out examples of other healthy relationship models. I practiced being the kind of partner I wanted. I increased my awareness of my feelings. I changed my reactions from bottled-up outbursts to verbal acknowledgments of what was going on with me and in the relationship. This was followed by discussions (not arguments) to understand the dynamics and figure out how we could work better as a couple, so that both of our personalities were respected and our needs met. This involves collaboration, cooperation and compromise. It also involves great love and respect for oneself and the other person. One of the biggest things I've had to work on was believing that my feelings are valid and worth voicing.
More recently, in the last several years, I've realized and accepted that I would like to raise a family. And that I would like a committed partner to join me in that adventure. And that the adventure would be more fun and easier with the support and help of a community of loving friends and family. And that the community would be more committed to helping if we publicly acknowledged our commitment to each other and to them.
So, now. Mark and I are getting hitched. Mark and I are making a commitment to each other for our lifetimes. One could also say that we're engaged to be married. I (and he) still have challenges with that specific set of words, because they are so loaded with negative associations for us in this culture (see the first paragraph). For the sake of convenience, we're using those words occasionally anyway, but not before we've fully picked them apart and are aware of the potential, stereotypical pitfalls they bring.
As for the other cultural traditions that are associated with marriages, such as engagements and weddings, we're picking those apart too. We're examining them for the parts that we feel good about and are changing the rest to something we believe in. This may make some people uncomfortable, but, when it comes down to it, this is how Mark and I are starting the rest of our lives together, and we need it to be true to us.
So, in summary, the fact that I'm even ok saying "I'm getting married" is HUGE!!!! It is a REALLY BIG DEAL. One reason I can even go here is because it's on our terms, not society's, not my family's, but Mark's and mine. Mark and I are the ones figuring this out and we're excited.
Labels: spirituality, women
1 Comments:
Hi Velmers,
just visiting your blog to say a whopping Congratulations!! S told me the good news & i'm big-time happy for you. Welcome to the club! (not just the old married farts' club, but the smaller one of those who got something really special when they did the deed.) Big hugs: jill.
Post a Comment
<< Home